Saturday, June 8, 2013

What started with tears.....

June 8, 2013

Most days start out like any other regular day.  I wake, eat breakfast, dress and begin the race to the end of the day....only to start all over again tomorrow.  Throughout the day, thoughts of her are not lost on me.  She is there with me always in all I do.

And then there are some days that start out hard from the get go....and she is there with me and my heart aches so hard all I can do is cry.  A lot.

Today was the latter.

Why?  I don't know.  That's like asking why was it rainy here today for a bit.

I do know what triggered it.  That damn Facebook.  Not that I am blaming Facebook for my heart sadness....I know exactly who is to blame.  But in a time of social media everything we cannot stay in a bubble and let life pass us by. It does occasionally rub us on the shoulder to remind us of things.  And some days I can look at her friends Facebook pages who are on my page as well and I do whole heartedly revel in their joy, as it is my joy....as it would be her joy.  But today....ugh.  Today started out with rain....and I sat at my desk and I saw the restitution check waiting to be cashed....and then I saw the beautiful faces of mothers and fathers with their babies and it suffocated me.

I went downstairs and talked with him while eating my breakfast all with a lump in my throat.  I showed him the joy in photographs when we came back upstairs and watched him walk down the hall and stop in front of her room like he does so often and as I brushed my teeth I could see his pain as it is always mine too. 

And when I couldn't take it anymore I sat sobbing uncontrollably in a chair.  Every day I ache with every breath I take mourning her and every month I am reminded of what I will never have when that lousy $50.oo check comes. Yet I refuse to stop it....that money is for charities in her name....and it is his monthly reminder of what he did. And as much as he hates sending it to us and has tried to stop it....I will endure seeing it.

It's just not easy.

So I cried my tears, cleaned myself up and started the day out dancing between the rain drops. 

We had discussed getting new cell phones because ours are old....and we never updated our phones or the contracts.  I had no idea how long.... I just knew it was in the time.... post her.  There is life now for us pre her.... and post her.  Sad to say, but true....and with all we had to deal with then, getting a new cell contract was NOT at the top of the list.

But since my phone is now taped up to keep it together...the time is here for new.

The counter at the mall is filled with androids and I phones and this flip and that phone and if you are like me you want a phone to dial a call and that's it.  I have an ITouch gizmo that I can use for stuff should I need it.  Anything else can wait until I get home.

And the salesman who spoke with us was great and answered all of our questions including the one I didn't want to hear the answer to.

Can we transfer over voice messages. 

....nope.

As soon as I heard the no I felt teary again.  They don't offer any  way to save messages.  And that's what we were leaning towards. We both looked at each other and asked ourselves..."is this a deal breaker?"  We both saved messages of things for the past six years but there is only that one of her voice.... the one she called me on Mothers Day 2007 at 7:59am telling me she was coming home to see me and she called the cell not to wake me....and she would see me soon.   No other of her messages were ever saved that year...as you don't expect your only child to get into her car and drive away and never see her again..... But because it was a mothers day call it ended up being saved.  Month after month for six years.

Thankfully.

And six years later and a million times played, and cried over and played and smiled over... you come to a precipice and need to make a decision.

Throughout these six years we have faced numerous decisions that changed things in our life.  Hard decisions. And each one we made we knew that whatever it was that was happening....was happening for a reason and we had to accept it and move forward. 

I wrote my blog "A finch in the Willow" every day for all of that time documenting everything...and after five years of grieving...it did change for me.  It changed after three years, like I was told it would by another mother who lost a child.  At the time I thought she was crazy...but it happened.  And at the five year mark I stopped writing under that name.  I was ready.  My grief is there, and I lived my life every one of those five years not bound up in a blanket of grief sitting in a corner not living....I lived.  But I was to a different side of the pain now.

And wanted a different perspective of writing.

I remember right after she was killed I took a SD card out of my camera bag to see what was on it.  Of course, it was filled with photos of her and our life together.  I proceeded to put it into the camera...without glasses on....and I didn't notice the camera asked to format the disk.  I clicked yes...and hundreds of images of her were gone in a second.  I was devastated.  And I cried and realized that it was what was suppose to be... there was nothing I could do to bring them back....and I had to go on.

So here we were today talking about this huge, expensive commitment for our two year contract...about $4800 dollars.....plus the cost of phones... trying to decide what to do.  You can't just think okay it is new and cool and blah blah.... you must think of the big picture....  And we were.  All while thinking of this little picture.  Losing that message.


We left the kiosk....went to have lunch....talked....  went to another mall.  Talked some more.  I called my brother to ask his advice of things.... and we found ourselves back later in the day at the kiosk...teary.

I took out my itouch and tried to record that call....but of course it's not the same. 

But life doesn't stay the same for long. 

I never renewed my contract because I worried I would lose that message. I guess when she left that message may 13th six years ago, it was determined then that june 8th now I would be ready to let another piece go.

Today started with tears....and ended with an IPhone....and a bit more healing revealed.